Scouting For A New Republic

One of Minnesota's most cherished contribution to American Arts is the "Old Scout" himself, Garrison Keillor. Now growing up in Chicago, I never "got" the appeal of Keillor's "A Prairie Home Companion" - it was one of those "Iowa farm things" as far as I was concerned. The Logical Husband has tried to explain it to me (I guess it was pretty big in Pittsburgh when he was growing up) but it just never resonated with me at all, but people assured me that it was funny so I took them at their word.

However, his November 2006 Slate column has stripped all of that away (HT The Senate Site). There is no disguising the snobbery and disdain that is dripping from his finger tips as he spewed this forth.

Nov. 15, 2006 | I'm sitting under a banyan tree in Honolulu with a big glass of pomegranate juice, and the sea is glittering and surfers are skimming in on low waves, and the election is over, so let's all relax and quit irritating each other. OK? Nancy Pelosi, the she-wolf from Sodom, is about to become the madam of the House, so you Republicans just get over it. Cash in your blue chips and invest in gold ingots and maybe real estate in Costa Rica. The black helicopters have landed. Live with it.

Imagine if Republicans had taken that kind of a cavalier attitude after the 2000 and 2004 elections. Would old Garri have been so inclined to just "get over it"? I don't think that is the case at all based on some of his more recent screeds against the "current occupant". The "Scout" continues...

Democrats intend to bring reform to Washington, and why not begin with the United States Senate? It has been sorely in need of reform for a century or so. Two senators per state is a good idea in theory, assuming they are half smart, but then you look at George Allen, a lumbering frat boy from the state of Madison and Jefferson, and you think, whoa, something is wrong with this picture. We need some horizontal control.

Let's start at the beginning and redraw the map. First of all, is there a reason for Wyoming to exist as a state? I have often wondered about this. Why give two Senate seats to a half million dimestore cowboys while California gets two seats for 34 million people? (Wyoming has roughly the population of Sacramento.) It's OK if Wyoming sends somebody with brains and an independent streak, but when they send a couple of Republican hacks, then it makes no sense.

The idea behind the Senate was to create a sheltered body of wise counselors who, because they don't have to shill for money perpetually, can rise above the petty tumult and think noble thoughts and do the right thing in a pinch. Can you think of a time when Wyoming's senators have done this? No, you can't. So let's bite the bullet and make Wyoming a federal protectorate and appoint an overseer. This would be a good assignment for Halliburton. It's done a heck of a job in Iraq, so let's give it Wyoming and, while we're at it, Alaska. A wonderful postcard place, but what have its congresspeople done other than grub for federal largesse for Alaska? Change the name to Denali and put Halliburton in charge of it.

While we're at it, let's admit that Utah, Texas and Vermont have never been completely comfortable as part of the United States. They've tried to fit in, but it just isn't working, so let's allow them to pull out and find their own path. You could attach Nevada to Utah and make a lovely little desert nation out of that, and let Vermont join Canada, and make Texas a republic. Add Oklahoma to it. They really are part of the same thing. This leaves us with 43 states, which we could reduce to 40 by joining Rhode Island and New Hampshire and making Idaho part of Montana and combining North and South Dakota into one state called West Minnesota. It's called consolidation, folks. It goes on all the time in corporate America and also in local school districts, so let's make it work for America.

We've seen how well their version of reform has worked haven't we?

So because states like Wyoming and Texas and Utah and Alaska are not as politically savvy (in his mind) as "Scout" we should just kick them out of the Union? And since when was the Republican Party the only one to be bedeviled with political "hacks"? Now to be fair to "Old Scout" (something he has never done to HIS political opponents mind you) he did throw a couple of blue states into the screed but did you notice that he didn't kick them out - he just combined them and took away their representation.....

But, but you say....it's satire - it's meant to be humorous. Well my good friend Mitch Berg had something to say about that particular excuse.

The idea behind the Congress was to create a representative body of wise counselors who rise above the petty tumult and think noble thoughts and do the right thing in a pinch. Can you think of a time when Los Angeles’ representatives have done this? No, you can’t. So let’s bite the bullet and make Compton a federal protectorate and appoint an overseer - ooh, what a perfect word! This would be a good assignment for the Department of Housing and Urban Development. It’s done a heck of a job in south Chicago, so let’s give it all of Compton and, while we’re at it, Newark. A wonderful postcard place, but what have its congresspeople done other than grub for federal largesse for Newark? Change the name to “Housing Project # 447227″ and put HUD in charge of it.

While we’re at it, let’s admit that Detroit, El Paso and Philadelphia have never been completely comfortable as part of the United States. They’ve tried to fit in, but it just isn’t working, so let’s allow them to pull out and find their own path. You could attach El Paso to Juarez and make a lovely little desert nation out of that, and let Detroit join Canada, and make Philadelphia an “independent” nation. Add Camden New Jersey to it. They really are part of the same thing. This leaves us with 40 or 50 House seats unoccupied (more if we simply assumed that all black people could be conveniently represented by a few token representatives, since they all vote the same anyway. It’s called consolidation, folks. It goes on all the time in corporate America and also in local school districts, so let’s make it work for America....

For example, if you were to read the above and call me a racist, I could simply chuckle knowingly, wink and nod at my friends, and sniff “It’s satire, little fellow. I’m not surprised that some people just don’t get it.” We’d get a chuckle at your expense, and try to move on.

You might resopnd (sic) “but it’s not funny! It reeks of bitterness and petulance and unearned superiority, and it’s just stupid!”

I’d shake my head condescendingly and say “Um, look. I didn’t say ‘comedy’, I said ’satire’. If you need someone to rephrase the entire thing in the form of a fart joke, call Carrot Top. He’ll explain it to you. This is satire.”

On the other hand, you might respond “look, Berg, you have a long history of taking every one of life’s little slights deeply personally. This piece bespeaks both an overwhelming sense of personal entitlement - like the world owes it to you to give you your way - as well as an almost pre-adolescent sense of petty venality”

And you’d be right.

Except, of course, that I didn’t write it.

No, the person who did write it is a selfish, vain old scout who is only after what is best for HIM (check out the picture in the link). Whatever Garri thinks HE is entitled to HE should get. He is entitled to having his ideas represented in Washington DC, where as the hard working Red State citizens should have their stripped.

How progressive.....