Adventures In Parenting

Parenting is not an easy job. Anyone who tells you it is is lying to you. With that said, I read this article and I had to shake my head a little (HT HA)

One morning last September, Melanie Leavey's six-year-old daughter, Savannah, insisted on wearing a Halloween cat costume instead of normal clothes. She wore it all day long, and the next too. Eventually, she agreed to take off the costume so it could be washed, but the minute it was laundered, she pulled it on again. Weeks passed, then months. It wasn't until February, almost six months later, that Savannah finally decided to put the cat costume to rest.

But at no point did her mother try to make Savannah stop wearing it, says Ms. Leavey, who lives in Burlington, Ont., with her husband Brandt, Savannah and Sebastian, age 4.

Getting Savannah dressed in the morning had long been a battle. "I tried all the mainstream parenting guru advice, but nothing worked," she says.

So, Ms. Leavey began to practise consensual living, a set of principles designed to help family members understand each other's feelings and meet one another's needs.

This kind of thing can and does work well - in certain situations. However the problem with this "theory" is that it takes things to the extreme.

In contrast, "consensual" parenting is non-hierarchical.

"When parents put themselves in the role as authorities, they may believe they are doing it 'for the child's good,' " writes one of the movement's co-founders, Anna Brown, "but they could be missing an opportunity to have more connected relationships with their children."

For example - when you tell your child not to play with the flame on the hot stove, do you think it is a good idea to let the child find out for themselves that they could hurt themselves very badly? Or do you think it is a better idea to take that "hierarchical" approach and pull the child away with the command of "NO!"? Would it be a good thing for the child to find out why playing in traffic is a bad idea or again would it be better to take that "hierarchical" approach? In both cases the hierarchical "NO" is the appropriate answer. However, what about this situation - your 15 year old son brings illegal drugs in the house. Which is the better answer - an authoritarian response of "that is illegal and you can not bring it into MY HOUSE" or is a more "consensual" response of "what are you feeling when you do illegal drugs" appropriate? If you are honest with yourself you know that the answer has to be A mixed with a little bit of B (what made you think that this was OK?")

The biggest problem with this style of raising your child is that it sets them up for failure later in life. Neither their teachers nor their employers are going to have those kinds of responses to your child.

Understanding a child's developmental stage is a crucial aspect of parenting, according to Alyson Schafer, a Toronto-based psychotherapist and author of Breaking the Good Mom Myth and the recently released Honey, I Wrecked the Kids.

But, she adds, children must be taught to respect a higher authority, such as social expectations. Cancelling an appointment because of a child's mood sends the wrong message, Ms. Schafer says. "It's a parent's job to socialize a child."

Exactly right Ms. Schafer! In addition to socialization, it is a parent's job to make sure that the child gets the proper nutrition and rest that a young growing body needs. Not setting limits leads to spoiled children who are going to act out more when they don't get their way. The article talks about a mother who reacted to her son's hitting other children with a "what are you feeling when you do that" attitude. While her suggestions of redirection (hitting a pillow) are fantastic, teachers are not going to react so serenely when the child gets to school (as we found out when the Junior Logician got to the hitting stage). Actions have consequences and kids need to learn that!

One of the commenters to the article hit the nail on the head....if it is not a life threatening decision (hair length, clothing choices or what to drink at dinner) then by all means give the child a say. However there have to be some limits and the final arbeiture of those limits have to rest with mom and dad. Contrary to popular belief they really do know what is best for the family as a whole.....